Mama Says So

Greetings from India – real greetings, not virtual. We were there on vacation, enjoying the relaxed athmosphere of Goa, riding the tuk-tuks in the bustle of Delhi, and admiring the magnificent Amber Fort in Jaipur. Visiting India fulfilled a long term dream of mine. I really liked it there. India is a fascinating country. And my little daughters traveled so well.

However, this blog is not about me, but about much more interesting people writing from the southern hemisphere, so let us move on.

After the trip, I am of course even more interested in blogs from India. And there are so many of them! I chose to present a real pearl:  Mama Says So. Mama is Rohini, the mother of the schoolboy Ayaan and the toddler Tarana. In her own words, she is “flirting with stay at home motherhood after 11 years as a corporate slave”.

I really like the name of this blog, it is really nice and descriptive of the tone of the blog. The subtitle is "Not just motherhood statements". Despite being a SAHM (stay at home mother), Rohini is well able to think beyond the house walls – which at times is not easy, I can tell you.

This blog also conveys some differences of being a stay at home mother in India and in Finland. For example, in India, middle class families have a maid or two, unlike in Finland.

However, many feelings such as the intensity of being at home, the insecurity, even the guilt of the mother are very similar to my own experiences from the years I stayed home with my children.

On most days, everything just seems almost unbearably intense. Ayaan has always been a demanding child, trying to soak up every bit of the time and attention that I had to give and even that I didn't. I never minded all that much before because I was spending a fair amount of time away from him so I thought it was only normal that he would want his pound of flesh when I was around. I really expected a big change on this front once I quit my job. I thought he would become more secure and independent, but that has not happened. Add Tarana and her acute separation anxiety to the mix and it's mama-time all the freaking time! Despite the fact that there are two maids in the house at any given point of time, they both seem to want to hang out mostly with me.

Following the husband’s new job, the family moved from Mumbai to Hyderabad. There, language became a problem.

The language barrier is also quite substantial. Before I got here, I was labouring under the misconception that most people here spoke at least a passable degree of Hindi but that is far from the case. Most of the employees at the chain supermarkets can communicate in Hindi and/ or English but dealing with the smaller shopkeepers can be quite frustrating. One of the two receptionists at our paediatrician's office also can't speak a word of Hindi so I have to pray like hell every time I call that the other lady will attend to the phone.

To me, coming from the tiny Finland with about 5 million inhabitants, India seems like a country that has a lot of just about everything: so many people, so much beauty, wealth, poverty, carbage, ancient cultures, stray dogs. And sorry about this cliché, but abundance and poverty truly exist side by side in India. Indians surely are used to it, I found it surprising.

Class became a concern for Rohini when her son started to prefer playing with the kids of the servants living in the housing complex’s servant’s quarters. Firstly Rohini found Ayaan's ignorance of class boundaries utterly charming. But as “word got around about the stash of toys and the unlimited snacks”, the situation developed to a chaos.

With a very dodgy maid situation and another baby (if I can still get away with calling Tarana that) in the house, it all got a bit too much. So I cut off the snacks and lo and behold, most of them disappeared.

In the end, the bossiness of her own son was what bothered Rohini the most, as it often is with us mothers, I guess.

Then there are the behavioural implications. While Ayaan might be blissfully unaware of class boundaries and hierarchies, these kids clearly are not. So that automatically makes it an unequal relationship and when they are playing together, Ayaan has no trouble donning his Alpha male avatar and giving free rein to his bossiness. Kids from a similar background are more likely to put him in his place and that's why Ayaan has stopped hanging out with the kids from the other flats.

The discussion which followed this post was also very interesting. Many readers had firsthand experience from their own childhoods about playing with servants’ children. Most advised Rohini to take it easy. After all, you cannot choose your child’s friends. What you can do is e.g. arrange play dates with school firends after the school year has started, and hope that new friendships start to form.

I recommend reading the posts on the choices in a family with two religions  http://mamasaysso.blogspot.com/2007/12/tis-season.html  and ”sins against gender stereotype”. http://mamasaysso.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-sins-against-gender-stereotype.html Rohini is not the traditional saree clad Indian lady. She simply is herself.

 
And finally, as many of us know, dealing with children, it is good to have yours answers ready: 

Brat: I don't like you.
Me : You don't have to like me. I just need you to listen to me.

Brat : You are not my friend.
Me : Yes, I know. I am your mother.

Brat : I know everything.
Me : Name all of Jupiter's moons.
Brat : I don't know them all.
Me : See! You don't know everything.

Brat : Why does he get to bring chips in his tiffin?
Me : Because I am not his mother.

Brat : I am not talking to you.
Me : Don't talk. Just listen.

Brat : I want to win this game.
Me : So do I.

Brat: When can I choose the hotel to stay in?
Me : When you are paying for it.

Special greetings for all stay at home mothers, as well as for those who once have been one and those who sometimes want to become one,
Ulla